You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting...

This is a really long post and I appologize, but this is a post about the subject that will dictate the entire rest of my life, so it is understadable why it is so long. You dont have to read the whole thing but I would appreciate it if you guys would just because at this point in time it means the absolute world to me. There is this huge gigantic cloud hanging over my head and if I dont get it off my chest I may very well be crushed to death by it. I appologize for the horrible spelling. I dont have the patience to sit through spell checker. I typed this really fast so most of the errors are from typing not jsut be being a dumbass lol. I ramble and rant, but oh well.

So one of my projects for this semester for our ACS group is to put together a binder filled with information about Chemistry Graduate Schools. I am doing this along with the other chem students not just to get myself motivated and organized enough to actually begin the horrific process, but also to help my friends and future chem students. It is such a daunting task to find a graduate school and I needed some kind of help getting started and narrowing the search, and I am sure other people are in the same boat.

So I started looking at the websites for some of the schools I may be interested in. I started looking over the actual applications in order to see what information they wanted, what information I had, and what information I will need to get.

As part of this process I decided to actually sit down and calculate out:

Overall GPA
GPA for Math and Science
GPA for Chemistry
GPA for Freshman Year
Sophmore Year
Junior Year
First Semester Senior Year (To be determined but I guessed)
GPA for Chemistry Freshman Year
Sophmore Year
Junior Year
First Semester Senior Year

All of the above calculated using:
A=4
B=3
C=2
D=1

As well as:
A=4
A-=3.7
B+=3.3
B=3.0
B-=2.7

etc...

I did all this because they want some or all of this depending on the school.


And now I want to jump off a freaking bridge

I dont think I have ever been so FREAKED OUT about anything in my entire life. If I dont get into grad school I am FUCKED. I feel completly inadequit just LOOKING at the application forms, not to mention filling them out, not to mention what I am going to feel like when I apply to ten different schools and get rejected for all or most of them. At this point I dont even give a crap where I end up as long as I end up SOMEWHERE.

At this point I have accepted the fact that I am a marginally above average chemistry gradschool applicant. I am right above someone with better grades but who doesnt speak any english. I have accepeted the fact that I am going to get a big stack of rejection letters from lots of places including the places I really want to go to. I have accepted it but I know it is absolutly going to CRUSH me when I am holding them in my hand.

I only applied to one school when I went to undergrad and there was no way in hell I wasnt going to get in there. So I have never experienced the rejection letter thing. Remember how bad it was for undergaduate school? Can you imagine how much worse it is going to be for Ph.D Graduate School? If I dont get into gradschool I can basicly kiss all my hopes for my academic and carrer future goodbye. It all hinges on getting into gradschool.

This is something I dont think most people in undergraduate school have to deal with. For most majors, you dont really have to go to gradschool and if you do its for a masters program and they are a lot easier to get into than a PhD program just because they have more spots open for more students. For Chemistry though, if you dont go to graduate school and get your PhD you are going to be stuck on the bottom rung FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE. There is no way to work your way up the ladder like you can in most businesses and fields. If you dont have your PhD you hit the ceiling as soon as you get your undergrad diploma. That's it.

That is a SHIT TON of pressure.
And I am not even TOUCHING on the fact that my dad went to gradschool at Berkeley for chemistry and then law school and is now one of the most succesful people in the biopharmaceutical business in the world today. TRY LIVING UP TO THAT.

In two words: I CAN'T.

At this point I am trying to do something that I am actually interested in (which is industry applications of polymeric chemistry) even though it isnt as *hard* as what he did. I will NEVER make as much money as my dad does, I will NEVER be as businessly succesful or important as my dad is. Fuck. My dad is making one million dollers a month saving MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of people from dieing of AIDS, the Flu, and Hepititis and is retireing this year at 47 years old. Believe me, I am not saying this to brag...I am saying it to give you guys an accurate depiction of WHAT THE FUCK I AM UP AGAINST as far as being considered successful in my life. Yeah most people feel like they are trying to fill their parents shoes...but the shoes I have to fill are fucking ridiculous.

Yes I understand that my dad just wants me to be happy.
Yes I understand that the only thing my dad has ever required of me, is that I do my damndest to become the best at whatever I choose to do with my life. If I ended up working at McDonalds, well I better own the best fucking McDonalds in the whole world lol.

But it is really hard to keep that in mind when filling out these damn applications and punching the calculator just to have it spit out a number which is smaller than you hoped for.

FUCKING SHIT.

thats about the only thing going through my head at this point. lol

sorry for all this.
sorry for the swearing and the ranting and stuff.

Hopefully now that this is all off my chest I will be able to chill out a little about it.

Well now I get to go do homework...awesome...